Honesty & Introspection

Between developing my portfolio and skills and looking to the future, I’ve had to be honest with myself a lot these days. It’s made me think about how as artists, we really need to look within ourselves to find what we want. Sometimes half the battle is just getting ourselves to accept the truth. Maybe we run from it because we’re scared or we don’t believe in ourselves, but finally coming to terms with what you want and who you want to be is so freeing. Your best work will come out of it!

This post goes pretty hand in hand with my 11 Tips to Overcome Art Block post. If you struggle with imposter syndrome, fear, your own feelings, being kind to yourself, or if you’re dissatisfied and wanting to bridge the gap between who you are and what you create, you might want to continue reading. I'm going to talk about my own journey grappling with these things in hopes that it might resonate with someone who needs it.

Honesty & Introspection 

Denial
All of our self-doubts and fears often lead to us denying ourselves what we really want, and as a result, we end up settling for something that's comfortable and less risky (for however long). If you're anything like me, you might have a tendency to wave off your desires by telling yourself that you can't do those things. You wish you could, but you just can't.

Really though, If you keep feeling drawn to something, you're being drawn to it for a reason. That itch that you feel to draw (or sing or write or sculpt or any other form of expression) will probably never go away, so you ought to quit ignoring it. That's exactly what I had to do to even get this far. (I have a lot to learn before I'm ready to save anyone, but you know, I'm further than I was when I first left the iceberg). 

Let's rewind to when I was a sophomore in high school. The pressure was on to figure out what I wanted to do after I graduated, and the comfortable choice for me at the time was graphic design. I knew something about it was off, though. I kept feeling unsettled! It's because what I really wanted to do was to tell stories; I just convinced myself that it wasn't an option because I didn't write much and I never got ideas like other people did. So the moment when I finally accepted that I wanted to tell stories visually (through films at the time) was very emotional for me. Embarrasingly enough, it happened right after I watched The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 with my best friend— but right around that time too, I was watching all of the behind the scenes footage from How to Train Your Dragon 2 that Dreamworks shared for the Oscars. This animation test of Hiccup in particular had a huge influence on me. What made the moment so emotional was that I told myself that I couldn't tell stories for so long, and coming to terms with wanting to do that anyway lifted so much weight off my shoulders.

And I swear, once I accepted that truth about myself, the ideas started coming. Granted, I'm not sitting on a huge pile of ideas, but I've got something to offer! 

Here's one of my favorite quotes, by Walt Stanchfield: 

Think of the universe as being full of energy (it is, you know) and that energy is swirling around us waiting to take on some form. All we have to do is open up our consciousness and allow it to enter—and in a way that no one else in the world can—express it." 

I had to come to terms with what I wanted to do in order to stop closing myself off to the ideas the universe was trying to send me all along. If you're interested, you can read the full quote from Walt Stanchfield here.

You really are more than capable of doing anything that you want to do! And I know, everyone says that and it's super cheesy. But it's true! Some of us are averse to thinking that we're special so applying that logic to ourselves feels a bit icky. I always say that every single one of us are special, and by that same line of thinking too, none of us are special. What I mean is, we're all special because we've been blessed to be alive with unique experiences and the means to make the most out of our gift, and at the same time, none of us are so special that we're more important than anyone else.

Getting past my initial instinct to tell myself I can't do things has made all the difference. After playing Spider-Man PS4, I started to love the idea of telling stories through video games. At first I thought things like, "why would you have a place in video games?" and now I'm just telling myself that I'll make a place for myself in video games if that's what I really want. Being mean to yourself and telling yourself you can't do things is never an honest expression, it just comes from a place of fear. 

Shutting Out the Noise
People always have their own ideas of who you should be, what you should take inspiration from, and what you should and shouldn't do. It can be hard to ignore all the voices, especially when you trust or look up to some of them, but you really need to decide things for yourself. If you want to draw fanart or anime, or use references, or only work digitally, etc., then do it. And don't if it's just not for you. Only you can figure out what you want to do and define it, so take some time to be alone if that's what will help you do that.

It's really important for you to be comfortable and honest enough with yourself to acknowledge when those things change too. We're all constantly evolving and what you said you wanted to do a year ago might not be what you want to do now. That's okay! I use to think that film was the only medium I wanted to tell stories through, but now I'm very much interested in films, comics, video games, and even books. You never know where your experiences will take you! And you simply can't worry about what other people think of your change of direction.

Confronting Your Feelings

The more that you ignore your feelings and push them away, the harder it'll be to address them later on. You can end up internalizing things and isolate yourself to a point where you feel very lonely. I always try to remind myself that there's someone out there who's felt or is feeling the same way as I am.

Thankfully, if you're feeling bad about something artistically, you can probably watch an interview of an artist you like and hear that they've felt it too. After roughly a year of having it in my watch later, I finally watched Glen Keane's Annecy Conference from 2017. During it (starting at about 8:26), he says:  

There's sort of a fear out of doing something different. We all have this common shared fear of us not really having earned our way where we are. In a group like this, I know that the one thing we all have in common is that if people around you knew the way we're thinking— if the people around us knew how much we're faking it, that we'd be booted out of here. But that's because there's humility to being an animator, to being an artist. You know that you could just do so much better if you just had a little more time. And that never goes away, that's always how it's been. It takes courage to keep moving forward. Fear is a thing that we overcome." 

To know that that feeling never goes away is oddly comforting and might help you keep moving forward if you ever feel like giving up. Just like in my post about art blocks, I urge you to talk to people you trust about how you feel or figure out some way to express it. Keeping things to yourself is really unhealthy.

I've never been someone to talk about my feelings enough, so art was always my way of working through and coping with what I felt. Then about a year ago, I started helping my best friend take care of her grandma in hospice and I stopped drawing how I felt because I was too scared to feel anything and I didn't know how to express what I was feeling.  I still don't know how to convey most of those things, but I made an effort to draw something that'd help myself (it's the image for this post). 

I was very dissatisfied with my work. Most of the things I'd been drawing (and posting on social media) were characters with happy or neutral expressions, and my personality, feelings, and passion weren't showing through. I've never been comfortable sharing or creating much emotional artwork that features myself, so I use my characters to channel how I feel instead. If you think that could help you, you should really give it a try. I've actually felt confident since I've confronted how I feel, put it down on paper, and tried to improve what I can control. 

Defining Who You Want to Be

It's super helpful to evaluate who you are and who you want to be every so often. Some folks have a crystal clear idea of what they want in life, but I sure don't, and I think that's okay. While I don't know the specifics about what I want to do, I do know the kind of art that I want to make, so I defined that in my sketchbook as I was working on my portfolio. This is what I wrote: 

“Someone whose art has a lot of feeling and character, and a readable story. I want to have style (personality), and colors  with a clear message. And to showcase relationships that you relate to and long for." I didn't put it the most eloquently, but I got my intentions down.

Figuring out what you want in words and writing it down sharpens your focus so you won't feel like you're running in a circle but actually climbing to new heights. And you can also take some time to define what you want visually. You can create a moodboard for things that you want from life as a whole and one that's specifically about the kind of art you want to create.

I made a folder on my computer titled “Art I wish I made" to figure out what I want my art to look like and what I want it to say. I tried to only include pieces that really spoke to me. Here are three of my favorites that popped into my head first:

 By Scott Watanabe and James O'barr

Tarzan pencil test by Glen Keane 

Once I had my images collected, I went through one by one to figure out what I was drawn to so I could focus on it in my own work. I also made them into backgrounds for my new tab page on Chrome to keep them fresh in my mind.

A couple days after I compiled the art I love, this blog post about creating a dream portfolio popped up in my Twitter feed. It's well worth the read if you're interested in going through the process yourself! 

And in case I need to say it: everything you create doesn't have to be about challenging yourself and improving. Draw whatever you want, whenever you want, for whatever reason.

As I've said, your goals can and probably will change. What doesn't seem relevant to you today might be relevant to you in a few months or a year, and vice versa. So be sure to reassess where you are and where you want to be, and try to be comfortable and honest enough with yourself to know when it's a good time to. You've got everything you need within you to kick life's butt!

Please feel welcome to add any bits of your own wisdom in the comments below! I think we all like to put on our best faces when we present ourselves to others and as a result our struggles and mental health aren't talked about enough. I'd love to change that. 

Links included in this post: 

• 11 Tips to Overcome Art Block
• How to Train Your Dragon 2 animation test of Hiccup 
• Walt Stanchfield's notes on creative energy 
• Glen Keane - Annecy Conference 2017
• Scott Watanabe's website
• Glen Keane's Twitter
• Using a Dream Portfolio to Develop as an Artist by Anna Daviscourt 

Books that might interest you: 

• Art & Fear: Observations on the Perils (and Rewards) of Artmaking by David Bayles and Ted Orland (If you've ever felt doubtful of yourself as an artist, you'll probably find yourself on some of these pages.)
• Drawn to Life (Vol 1) by Walt Stanchfield